Winning at Communication

Ever since Morton Deutsch introduced the idea of “Win-Win” conflict management in the mid 20th century, we have become enamored with the word “win”.  But, in a world desperate for the sound-byte and the bumper sticker to instantly tell them what they need to know, people have become tuned out to the subtle complexities of winning.

And thus develops “Ping-Pong” communication.

Ping-Pong Communication

You’ve all seen and heard arguments where statements are batted back and forth until someone scores the big winner. I have chosen to use the table-tennis analogy to describe this phenomenon, owing to its rapid-fire nature, but tennis will also do.

And, like tennis, there are many ways to win a point in an argument. You can force an error from your opponent or they can commit an unforced error, you can drill a passing shot right by them, you can blast an overhead smash across court or you can do a sneaky drop shot just over the net. I don’t want to bore you with long descriptions of each of these (especially given our time-poor days and desire for the bumper sticker!!), so I’m hoping you grasp the reference. The passing shot is a statement that is un-returnable; something so devastating that your “opponent” (there’s a problem with that word for a start!) simply can’t get it back at you. The smash is a very aggressive form of that passing shot that often comes with some abuse or insult or some form of threat. The drop shot (now often referred to as a “mic drop”) is a calmly-delivered comment, or a snide remark, often accompanied by a shrug, that allows you to raise your eye brows and sashay away, feeling sassy.  The forced error comes as a result of you pounding away at them, such that they capitulate and, of course, the unforced error is when they make a statement that they instantly recognise as being unsupportable, whereupon they throw their hands in the air and give in.

The interesting thing is that a lot of people view those passing shots as the goal. After all, they come with a very pleasing little surge of dopamine and we feel damn good about ourselves. Just thinking about those passing shots might be making you feel good as you read this.

Ego

When our ego gets involved we tend to go into